It’s a different kind of hard… But it’s still hard
In response to a sweet article I read about the challenges and benefits of childrearing, I decided that just because I wasn’t a mother it didn’t mean that I didn’t face a different set of challenges. A Happy Mother’s Day to all of the wonderful mamas out there…and a little something for the rest of us.
I’m talking right now to you non-mothers who are in your early to mid 30’s. Your friends probably have a couple kids and a dog, They probably range from 0-6 and you haven’t had a sleepover with them in half a decade.
You probably see your friends less, you probably go out a lot less, and you probably miss them a lot more – but you’re very happy for them.
In this stage of life, you aren’t dealing with the same type of exhaustion your mom friends are, they’re physically more tired than you, but mentally you might be at a similar stress level.
In this stage of life you aren’t dealing with ear-aches and tummy aches and choices about what school you’re going to send your child to. You aren’t drained from waking up to feed a baby at 4am and aren’t praying for your partner to come home to alleviate some of your duties. BUT, You’re probably focused on your career… aren’t you? You’re probably clocking 60+ hours a week competing with all of the other non-moms and work dads and even some of those super-hero mom executives ( I am in awe of you people!). You probably skip lunch, skip baby showers and skip makeup if you need to – nothing is more important than this baby, YOUR CAREER. You probably don’t mind spending an extra 3-4 hours a night at work, working on weekends, emailing at 1am from your phone in bed because you simply DON’T have a child and you feel like in absence of that, that THIS is what you should be doing.
There is such a thing as non-mom guilt.
This stage of life is less about getting engaged and deciding on nursery room colours and more about stressing about finding a supportive partner or wondering about the probability of you having children at all.
You definitely spend an exorbitant amount of headspace mapping out time lines of “if I meet someone this year, and get engaged a year after that, and then we marry sooner after.. I’M GOING TO BE 37 BEFORE I EVEN START TO TRY FOR CHILDREN’
Alternatively, you’re tired of the debate you and you keep having about your desire to have children. You think you want kids, but you aren’t feeling any sort of maternal need to have them (cue guilt, public shame, and question). Your friends keep telling you that it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to them but they complain about not having any free time. You’re annoyed by all of the baby photos that bombard your social media newsfeeds but sometimes you cry when you get your period…
Your mom and dad look with slight pity as you sit in your pajamas on Christmas Morning at their home in Florida, solo.. again. You feel 12, you cry in bed and pretend you’re watching Miracle on 34th street – you’re happy, but you’re sad… It’s confusing.
Your body; your body probably still looks good, I’ll give you that. You haven’t had to get back from baby body and your boobs are still on the right side of perky. Your 35 year old face and shape look great for a 35 year old – but next to those 25 year olds at Pilates class, on Tinder and at the Bar (you’re still looking for life partners at) you feel old. If you’re anything like me, you spend a great chunk of your non-work time trying to look like you’re still in your twenties – and that, that is tiring. Should you botox? Do you need eye-lashes extensions, what is ‘On Fleek”, being a non-mom means you still feel pressure to be cool…even if you haven’t been for years.
In the midst of your racing thoughts and countless internal discussions you must remember that this childless, marriageless time of your life is to be cherished. It’s a time where you have the freedom to take up a new career, learn a new skill, get the courage to travel the world solo. Your childless existence gives you a window of time to go and help your mom friends, to learn what and what not to do – and to decide if this is, in fact, something you want to undertake.
Cherish the sleep-ins
Embrace the silence
Book a flight somewhere and go without telling anyone
Change careers, Fail, no one is dependant on you.
~ One of these days you might find yourself crying in a bathroom because you DIDN’T get your period.. And for just one second, only one.. You’ll wish you had.
