A City Longing – Danielle From Home

PLAY in the background Re: Stacks – Gregoire Maret to get the full feel of this blog.

Well, today marks the first day of the second lockdown. Just in time for snow, for the shortest days of the year, and for an absence of holiday cheer. The holidays are situated in one of the toughest Canadian months – they make you forget all about the lack of sunlight, the slush, the fact that you’ve still got 4 more months of Winter before you can comfortably walk outside in a light jacket and have a conversation on the street without gloves.

But not this year.. nothing this year. I get it, this isn’t WW2, this isn’t a third world country subjecting its citizens to unfair economic poverty, to genocide, to enslavement… but I’ve never known those things, so for now, my reality will have to do.

I walk the night sky without my mask and without seeing other people’s – because frankly, the sight of them is a fabric reminder of the separation I feel from humanity, I hate the sight of a mask, I hate the feeling of wearing one more.  I’ll wear the mask, I’ll follow the rules – because I live in a country that has protected me this far and I have a hard time imagining that there is an underlining agenda here to destroy my freedom.

I walk the night confused about where I stand on the Pandemic. I am, by nature, an avid questioner of the status quo, of the societal normals and the rules. I hold the quote “History was created by those who broke the rules” closely. I use the word “sheeple” I tell people to “think for themselves” … but in this political and environmental climate, it’s easier for me to shut my mouth… it’s better for my business too.

There is so much information out there, so much noise and clutter – I don’t know who’s right and wrong and It makes me uncomfortable.

I walk the night sky and see dozens of homeless people in tents in the parks because shelters are social distancing. I think of the thousands of people who are not able to pay their bills this month because they aren’t allowed to run their businesses. I think of the people who are getting high alone because their family and friends are “staying away”.. I think of the single friends who aren’t out dating, who are wasting time inside when they could be finding life partners. I think about my son who isn’t socializing with other children because their parents are overly-protecting them from germs.

I am lucky – I am aware of my good fortune and also aware that my smart choices in life have led me to a warm home, a good career, a sweet man, and a wonderful child. But tonight I am still sad… and I’m allowed to be. You can’t take away my right to feel… you can’t convince me that I should be thankful.. I get to decide tonight how I want to feel.

My identity, my interests, my energy, they’re all derived from the interaction with other human beings. Not behind a keyboard, not over a video chat.. from face to face, skin to skin, spit to spit contact –  for I am a social creature craving the closeness of people outside of my bubble.

I miss strangers, I use to make them smile a lot, I use to stop and pet dogs along my runs and walks.. I have forever met strangers every day. Our society now tells us that “strangers are dangerous” and I personally think it is ruining the very essence of living in a city.

The opportunity for new opportunities has been robbed from us here in Toronto…. you must accept your life is as it is now.. and when they give you a glimmer of hope please do lick your lips at it like every good dog would.

Remember this: You are allowed to question the rules without being a conspiracy theorist. You are allowed to empathize with those choosing to isolate while also disagreeing with mandatory lockdowns..

You are allowed an opinion, You are allowed to be pissed off and allowed to be sad – no one has the right to take away your feelings.

As I walk the night sky I dream of a day where I can see people’s lips and noses again, where touching a stranger doesn’t mean imprisonment. I long for the days I can wander in and out of shops without capacity limits and when I can sneeze from seasonal allergies without people running in the opposite direction.

I miss you Toronto, I pray you’ll be back to your normal self one day.

Danielle